Notes
- Children start lying around the age of 3.
- Encourage children to tell the truth by emphasizing the importance of honesty.
- Apply different consequences for lies and behaviors that lead to lying.
Why do children lie? Children may lie:
- To hide something to avoid getting into trouble
- To see how you will react
- To make a story more interesting
- To experiment – for example, by acting as if something that happened in the story was true
- To get attention or make oneself look better
- To get something they want – for example, “Mommy will give me candy before dinner.”
This kind of lie is often called a “white lie” because it does not hurt the person’s feelings. When do children start to lie? Children can learn to lie at a young age, usually around age 3. They then begin to realize that they can’t read people’s minds and can always unknowingly say something that’s not true.
Children lie more between the ages of 4 and 6. You may be able to lie better by adjusting your facial expressions and tone of voice to match what you’re saying. When you ask children to explain what they are saying, they usually admit it.
As children grow older, they become better able to lie without getting caught. Their lies also become more complex, as they have more words and can better understand other people’s points of view.
Encourage your children to tell the truth
Once your child is old enough to understand the difference between truth and lies, it is a good idea to encourage and support them in telling the truth. You can do this by emphasizing the importance of honesty in your family and helping your children understand what will happen if they lie.
Here are some tips:
- Talk to your children about lying and telling the truth. For example: “How would Mom feel if Dad lied to you?” or “What would happen if you lied to your teacher?”
- Help your child avoid situations where they feel they need to lie. For example, asking your child if they spilled milk may make them want to lie. To avoid this situation, you can simply say, “It looks like you had an accident with the milk.” “Let’s clean it up.”
- Praise your child for admitting they did something wrong. For example: “I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to solve this problem.”
- Be an example when it comes to telling the truth. For example: “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so she could fix the problem.”
- Use humor to encourage your child to admit to the lie. For example, if your preschooler says, “Teddy broke it,” continue the joke until your child admits, “I wonder why Teddy did that.” Tall tales: how to deal with them
- Pretend play and imagination are important for your child’s development, and it’s good to encourage this type of play. Tall tales don’t have to be considered lies, especially for children under 4 years old.
- If your child makes up a story about something, try responding with something like, “That’s a great story. Maybe you could make a book out of it.” This will stimulate your child’s imagination without encouraging lying.
Intentional lies and lies: how to deal with them
If your child lies intentionally, the first step is to help them understand that lying is not okay. Your child needs to know the reason too. It’s a good idea to create a family rule about lying.
The next step is to give appropriate consequences. And when you do, be sure to separate the lie from the behavior that led to it. For example, if your child draws on the wall and then lies about it, you might impact both. But if your child lies to cover up a mistake, like spilling a drink, you can decide to accept the consequences of the lie and clean up the mess together afterwards.
Here are some more ideas for dealing with intentional lies:
Calmly talk to your child about how lying makes you feel, how it will affect your relationship with them, and what it would be like if family and friends no longer trusted them. This will highlight the difference between what happens when your child is honest and what happens when they are dishonest.
If you know your child is not telling the truth, be sure to tell them. But try not to constantly ask them if they are telling the truth. Also, avoid calling your child a “liar.” If your child believes he or she is a liar, they may continue to lie.
They might say things like, “You’re always so honest with me, but I just can’t understand what happened to the last cupcake.” Don’t let your child lie. Start by thinking about why your child lies — for example, if they lie to get something they want, consider a reward system that will help them earn that item instead.
