Children’s arguments occur when disagreements become aggressive, for example when disagreements become physical, yelling, mean comments or insults occur. You can prevent sibling fights by helping your children get along and guiding them to better ways of resolving conflicts. Our top tips will help you lay the foundation.
Teach your children how to get along
You are your children’s most important role model. If you resolve disagreements without arguing, your children will notice. If you want your kids to handle things calmly and respectfully, they need to see you do the same. If you want them to apologize to others, they need to see you apologizing. It’s also helpful for kids to be able to respect disagreement. This helps them understand that not everyone sees things the same way, and that’s OK.
You can also model behaviors that make arguments less likely. For example, if arguments arise in your family because siblings don’t respect each other’s space, you can set an example by knocking before entering your child’s room. That way, you teach your child that this is courtesy in the family.
Catch your kids exhibiting positive behaviors
- This means giving positive feedback when your kids are kind to each other, respect each other’s space or possessions, or try to solve problems.
- If you clearly communicate to your children what’s working well, you’re much more likely to see that behavior again. Here are some examples of clear and specific praise and encouragement:
- “I love how you two take turns on the trampoline.”
- “You two share and play with each other really well.”
- “You solved the problem really well. Let’s celebrate with a movie tonight.”
Set clear family rules
Family rules help your kids know what’s okay and what’s not. Having family rules in place makes it easier to remind your kids how you want them to treat each other.
Here are some tips to make the rules work:
- Include your kids in setting the rules. If you help your children set the rules, they are more likely to remember and respect them.
- Write down the rules with positive statements about how you want to treat each other. For example: “We will speak politely to others.”
- Post a copy of your house rules on the refrigerator or somewhere everyone can see.
- Enforce these rules every time your children bend or break them. Start with friendly reminders. For example: “Remember, we always ask before touching or using someone else’s things, and then give them another chance.” If your kids still break the rules, issue an agreed-upon consequence.
Establish a Routine
It’s much easier to deal with disagreements over everyday things if your family has an established routine. This means everyone knows whose turn it is to pick a movie, who will do which task on which day, who will go to the Playstation, the trampoline, the bathroom first, etc.
An example flow might look like this:
TV: Samantha picks shows from 6:30pm to 7pm. Jake dials in from 7:30pm to 8pm (after Samantha goes to bed).
Gaming: Jake votes on Saturday, Samantha votes on Sunday.
Bathroom: In the morning, Jake uses the bathroom first, then Samantha. Chores: Samantha and Jake take turns doing household chores. One week it’s taking out the trash, the next week it’s washing the dishes.
Coach Your Kids
You are your children’s problem-solving coach. They teach you how to deal with disagreements and give you the skills to manage anger, negotiate, and act fairly. That’s better than being a referee who resolves conflicts or steps in when things get tough. Here are some tips to help teach your child how to solve problems:
Give your children opportunities to play with others. Playgroups, playdates and games can help children to play nicely with each other and practice positive alternatives to arguing.
Help your children find ways to express their upset or anger through calm words and positive activities. For example, splashing around in water, drawing and play powder can help younger children express their feelings. For older children, kicking a ball or playing music might help. Teach and model the social skill of “respectfully disagreeing” to your child. This involves stating something you both agree on, then stating something you both disagree on. For example: “I agree that Grandma gave you the book for your birthday, but I don’t think it’s fair to forbid your sister from reading it when she politely asked.”
