Key takeaways
- When your child asks for something, make sure you stop and listen. This shows that you think carefully before answering.
- If you absolutely must say “no,” explain why. Be sure to give reasons for refusal.
- Their answers teach children about communication, respect, and compromise.
- Children’s requests: why it’s important to respond constructively
- Kids ask questions about things all the time.
Example: “Can I play on the iPad?” or “Can I bake a cake?”
Some requests are easy to fulfill. Example: “Yes, you can play on the iPad.”
Other requests are more difficult. For example, if your child wants to bake bread, you might want to think about kitchen safety, ingredients, and clean-up responsibilities.
Responding to Requests
The following steps will help you if you want to say “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” when your child asks for something.
- Listen
Take a moment to understand what your child is asking for. Show that you listened and understood. This will make your child more likely to accept your answer. Even if you don’t intend to say yes, showing some empathy can also be helpful. Example: “Oh, I see why you want that. How cool.” - Pause and Decide
Pausing for a moment gives you a chance to think about the request. It also sends the child the message that you care. Ask yourself, “Do I have to say no, or can I say yes? If not, can I negotiate?” - Base your initial answer on your child’s question
If your child asks politely, praise them for being polite. This sends the message that you are always paying attention when your child displays good manners, even if you don’t necessarily say yes. If your child complains, makes demands, or threatens, let them know they need to use some manners. For example, you can say, “Sasha, please calm down and talk to me,” or “Dani, please think about how you ask this question.”
You Have to Say No
Sometimes kids don’t get what they want.
Here’s how to say no:
Give a reason. If you decide to say “no,” telling them why will help your child understand your decision. But keep the discussion short so you don’t lose your child’s attention. Example: “We don’t have time to go around the carousel right now. Let’s do it next time.”
Stand by your decision. If you change your mind, your child will learn that no is not final and is worth discussing. And if you give in when your child is frustrated, he or she will learn that it gets them what they want.
If possible, offer an alternative. For example: “I can’t buy that because it’s too expensive. Let’s go home and make a snack together.”
Give your child constructive feedback. If your child gets a “no” for an answer, praise them generously. For example: “I loved that you said ‘OK’ when I said no,” or “It was great that we worked this out together.”
Reduce the Need to Say “No”
One of the best ways to teach your child how to deal with “no” is to say it less often. Saving no for really important decisions will encourage your child to take those decisions more seriously.
Here are some ideas on how to say “no” less:
Establish some ground rules.
For example, before you go shopping, talk to your child about why you’re going shopping. Let them know what you expect from them and what the rules are when they ask for something. This means having to say no often. For example, “I’ll have a snack when I get back from shopping” or “Please don’t ask me questions while I’m shopping.” Say “yes” when possible. Example: “Okay, George can come over after school if Dad agrees.”
But only negotiate instead of saying “no” if your child is willing to compromise and compromise. Example: “I can’t go to the park today because I have to pick up my sister from school, but it’s okay if I go tomorrow.”
